Funnies

We start off with some local content, which consists mostly of compilations.

  • Cheeseblock.
  • Personal Sniglets
  • Peanuts Quotes
  • Insults from books by Nigel Rees. I typed these up several years ago, probably around near exam time:
    • General insults "You have the brains of a four-year old child and I bet he was glad to get rid of it." - Groucho Marx
    • From the theatre world "During the overture you hoped it would be good. During the first number you hoped it would be good. After that you just hoped it would be over." - Walter Kerr
    • From politics "Malcolm Fraser is the cutlery man of Australia. He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, speaks with a forked tongue and knifes his colleagues in the back." - Bob Hawke
    • Graffiti "George Davis is innos (scratched out) innoss (again scratched out) guilty."

  • Quotes from Terry Pratchett
    • Her attitude to music was purely ballistic - just point your voice at the end of the verse and go for it.
    • He counted to one on his fingers. Then he counted to two.
    • He was considered by Ankh-Morpork's professional underclass to be something of an intellectual because some of his tattoos were spelt right.
    • Drinks like this tend to get called Traffic Lights or Rainbow's Revenge or, in places where truth is more highly valued, Hello and Goodbye Mr Brain Cell.
    • In the distance a couple were having the kind of quarrel that causes most of the surrounding streets to open their windows and listen in and make notes.
    • "It's called a shovel... I've seen gardeners use them. You stick the sharp end in the ground. Then it gets a bit technical.
    • They both savoured the strange warm glow of being much more ignorant than ordinary people, who were ignorant of only ordinary things.

  • Quotes from Tibor Fischer's Under The Frog... There was something flattering about being arrested... but being in custody was becoming a habit; he really had to cut down.

  • Quotes from Douglas Adams' HHGTTG... "Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news."

  • The Iraqi Misinformation Inister by jinty:

    Aunt: You haven't finished your couscous, Mohammed.
    Al-Sahaf: The couscous has been completely annihilated. There is absolutely no couscous left on the plate. With my right hand I smote the couscous until it begged for mercy.
    Aunt: Nonsense. You've hardly touched it.
    Al-Sahaf: This is a complete fabrication...

  • Some funny pictures
  • Weird Zimbabwean names
  • Random Thoughts, mostly mine
  • University of Chicago course offerings: Spring '02 and Autumn '01
  • My baby sister
  • The Inscrutable Americans

Links

Now for a choice collection of funnies found on other sites.

  • The Illustrated Beowulf. Starring Bill Clinton, Cookie Monster and the A-team.
  • Our Options have changed... by Evan Eisenberg. Please listen closely to the following menus, as our options have changed. For technical support, press 1. For financial support, press 2. For support of the fleshy parts that jiggle during exercise, press 3. For emotional support, please hang up and call 888 HOT-LIVE
  • Sherman's Lagoon :
  • Devil's Dictionary :
  • Random NYorker Cartoon :
  • Slashdot posts on MyDoom hitting Google (08/27/04) :

    I thought I was going nuts, I've never had google give me problems.
    I found it hard to remember the names of other search engines that I could use though. - suso

    (Reply to suso) What's a search engine? I tried googling for it but it just took me to the home page. I think it's broken. - skinfitz

    My productivity has gone to hell. My coworkers may realize I really don't know anything if I can't google up answers real soon now... - Junta

    Google is down ... the world is ending! The beginning of the apocalypse! (I can't even check if I spelled that right without google) - Jamori

  • Google, circa 1960.
  • The satire site Muskrat News reports that
    
    "Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said Tuesday he will take "all
    measures necessary" to ensure that abuse of detainees such as what a
    Pentagon report says took place at Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq "does not
    happen again."...Specifically, Rumsfeld has promised to confiscate all
    cameras belonging to guards and to allow no photography whatsoever
    inside the prison.
    
    
  • HHGTTG texts
  • The Democratic Presidential campaign Debow and Schulman provide an algorithm to determine how a Democrat can win in 2004. Dean's on top, then Clark, then.... "...Joseph I. Lieberman would need to choose someone [for VP] who has been a governor and/or US Representative for at least five years, who is the child of a U.S. Senator, who has been a banker, and who has been a college or university president or chancellor. The existence of such a person is left as an exercise for the Lieberman campaign."
  • Fun Hut The adventures of Graduate Student Girl (!), a.k.a. GSG.
  • WordSpy. Check out the webmaster's pages too, such as books he'd like to see e.g. The Complete Idiot's Guide to Connecting with Your Inner Idiot.
  • The Framley Examiner British spoof newspaper. The Onion has a lower hoho density. Where else would you find ads like these? And that's just the ads...
    • "Storm Cloud. Used once. Needs refilling. Will deliver"
    • "Cello case. Fits cello, or large cello-shaped flute."
    • "Found. Dialysis machine and quiet old lady."
    • "Bank Robbery every Thursday, Framley High Street. Bring gun."
    • "Nice bit of cheese seeks biscuit or mousse. No bourbons."
    • "St Gahans School for Boys are looking for a Bad Language Assistant. 3 years min experience as a sailor, dockworker or squaddie preferred. Salary negotiable depending on salary."
  • Rusty Barrett's fun linguistics links
  • Linguistic Contributions of Ron Atkinson "He's not only a good player, but he's spiteful in the nicest sense of the word."
  • The Institute of Advanced Cartage by David Beazley
  • Dead Link Well, you might die of laughing, but that's your problem.
  • Just a Minute transcript of their 25th anniversary show. Contestants have to speak if they can for just 60 seconds on a given subject without hesitation, repetition or deviation from the subject. There are, of course, frequent deviations from the rules... (warning: best read if you don't plan doing anything with your next hour. Or two.)
  • Shop names Sweet Septic Systems, Fairly Reliable Bob's used cars, No Name Nothing Special Produce Co., Eat It And Beat It, We sell fried catfish and fix flats, Life-The Ultimate Dry Cleaning...
  • Lucy's football gags ... and other Peanuts stuff
  • The USPS ain't bad... Not a newspaper article, but certainly non-fiction.
  • Igor Kodenko's cartoons Nice Ghostbusters parody...
  • Things heard on airline flights:

    "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

  • Indian Road Rules Rights of way: Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle.
  • Doubletalk It is fruitless to indocrinate a super-annuated canine with innovative maneuvers.
  • SlashDot .sigs e.g. "I have discovered a truly remarkable .sig block which this margin is too small to conta" and "In Murphy We Trust".
  • Tact.
  • Lucy and the unkickable oval-shaped ball. (It's not a football. Footballs are spherical.)
  • Childhood Beliefs - an interesting storehouse of things people admit to believing when they were littluns, like "I thought RIP meant Return if Possible" or "when the ice cream van plays a tune, it's run out of ice creams". Needless to say, this includes stuff that mummies told their kids and their kids believed for at least some time...

From an old website of YT

  • College Jokes ("Dear folks, I've been worried sick because I haven't heard from you. Please send me a check so I'll know you're okay.", MIT Graduate Exams, A day in the life of a grad student, College Prayers, How to tell Seniors and Freshmen apart)
  • One Liners (Sayings of Confucious, Graffiti, Bumper Stickers, Murphy's Laws, the Devil's Dictionary...)