Taken from the Peanuts Treasury, and "I told you so, you blockhead!" by Charles Schulz. CB stands for Charlie Brown. Note that he is never called Charlie (without the Brown) by any of the kids. Peppermint Paddy is the only person who calls him by a non-insulting name (e.g. blockhead) that is not Charlie Brown, i.e. Chuck.
Charlie Brown: Next year I'm going to be a changed person.
Lucy: That's a laugh, Charlie Brown.
CB: I mean it! I'm going to be strong and firm!
Lucy: Forget it... you'll always be wishy-washy! (she leaves)
CB: Why can't I change just a little bit? (shouts) I'll be wishy one day and washy the next!
Linus : I dread getting old... I don't want to have to wear bifocal teeth!
(Lucy has buried Linus' blanket.)
CB: Why don't you don't let me try to find some sort of substitute for your blanket? Maybe I could get you a dishtowel or something.
Linus: Would you give a starving dog a rubber bone?
Linus: Oh oh! Lucy's got her mad face on! No matter what I do or say today I'm going to get slugged. I might as well get it over with. (He walks to Lucy. And gets slugged.) Now I have the rest of the day to myself!
(Linus walks past, dragging his blanket. Snoopy puts a paw on it.)
Linus : Get that paw off my blanket, you stupid dog or be prepared to suffer the consequences! (Snoopy obeys.)
Snoopy: My life is full of unsuffered consequences...
Snoopy: How can you do push-ups when your nose gets in the way?
Linus: Snoopy, how about going for a little walk in the park?
Snoopy: Great! I'm always afraid to go for a walk alone. I might get mugged!
Linus: My teacher ...understands me!
Lucy: Either she's a genius or she's new on the job.
Linus: I never said I worship her [Miss Othmar], I just said I'm very fond of the ground on which she walks!
Lucy: You think being average is enough, don't you? Well it isn't! What shape would the world be in today if everyone settled for being average?
Linus: What shape is the world in today?
Violet: What are you two standing here looking so worried about?
CB: We're afraid of the future!
Violet: Are you worried about anything in particular?
CB: Oh, no. We're worried about everything!
Linus: Yes, our worrying is very broadminded!
Violet: It simply goes without saying that you are an inferior human being!
CB: If it goes without saying, why did you say it?
Snoopy (on being house-trained with a rolled-up newspaper) : It does tend however to give one a rather distorted view of the press!
CB: Everything seems hopeless... I'm completely depressed.
Lucy: Go home. And eat a jelly-bread sandwich folded over. Five cents please. (CB leaves. Lucy puts her feet up.) There are some cures you don't learn in medical school.
Linus: I love mankind! It's people I can't stand!
(Lucy threatens Linus with a fist.)
Lucy: These five fingers... individually, they're nothing. But when I curl them together like this into a single unit, they form a weapon that is terrible to behold!
(Linus gives in. Quickly. And then talks to his fingers.)
Linus: Why can't you guys get organized like that?
CB: Dogs are really kind of peculiar... all they ever think about is eating... I call it a lack of depth.
Snoopy: I prefer to think of it as singleness of purpose!
Lucy: Í've never known anyone who could forget things with such clockwork regularity!
Linus: I guess I'm just mechanically minded!
Linus: I never realized it before, but a school teacher is a very delicate instrument!
(Linus gets glasses.)
CB: I'm sorry that you have to wear glasses Linus...
Linus: Don't feel sorry for me.. I can see things now that I never even knew existed before! Take Lucy for instance... for the first time I realize what a gorgeous creature she really is!
Lucy: Glasses haven't improved only his sight... they've also improved his sarcasm!
(Lucy and CB are alone.)
Lucy: When I first saw Linus with his new glasses, I could have cried.. I really felt sorry for him... when he came into the house he looked just like a little owl! It just about broke my heart... (sigh)... BUT IF YOU EVER TELL HIM I SAID SO, I'LL KNOCK YOUR BLOCK OFF!
Linus: When I first got my glasses, they kind of bothered me... I guess I wasn't used to them... now I'm sometimes not even aware I have them on!
(The joke is that Linus only thinks he has them on.)
CB: Do you wear glasses because you're farsighted or nearsighted?
Linus: Which is which?
CB: Well, farsighted is when you can... or that nearsighted? Farsighted is when you can see things that... or is it the other way around? Maybe it's when you ... or maybe.. or maybe it's...
Linus: I wear glasses so I can see better!
Linus: I was going to use this box of cholcolate mix here, but I changed my mind... I didn't want to use it after what I read on the side...
Lucy: What does it say on the side?
Linus: It's full of ingredients!
Linus: How do you like the chocolate I made for you?
Lucy: It's terrible! It's too weak! It tastes like some warm water that has had a brown crayon dipped in it!
Linus: (tastes it.) You're right. I'll go put in another crayon.
Lucy: Hey manager! As team spokesman I've been requested to ask you for more time off.
CB: What sort of time off would you like?
Lucy: We prefer not to show up for games.
Lucy: Overpopulation is a real problem! You should be worried about it! Some night you're going to go to bed and when you get up the next morning there'll be no place for you to stand.
Linus: Why should I worry? I'll just go back to bed.
Lucy: Schroeder, do you think a pretty girl is like a melody?
Schroeder: I can't say ... I've never known any pretty girls! [The way Schulz draws the crack in Lucy's huge smile here is ingenious.]
Lucy: May your stupid piano be devoured by termites!
Lucy: Why don't you be a good little brother and go make me a jelly bread sandwitch? If you don't I'm going to leap on you and pound you right through the floor! So why don't you make me that jelly-bread sandwich, huh? Please, dear brother?
Linus: (heading off for the kitchen) When someone asks you that nicely, how can you refuse?
Lucy: We critical people are always being criticized!
Schroder: I like Beethoven. But Brahms makes me glad I'm alive. I think I'll go home and listen to Brahm's Fourth. I have the need to have the feeling that it's good to be alive.
CB: I know what you mean. That's a terrible feeling to have the need of having the feeling of having...
5: Hi there, puppy dog. My name is 5... I'm new in the neighborhood.
Snoopy: I never get names straight. Did he say V or 5?
Lucy: 5? Your name is 5? What sort of a name is that?
5: My dad is diturbed by all of the numbers being put on us these days so he changed our names to numbers...
Lucy: This is his way of protesting, huh?
5: No. This is his way of giving in!
5: Hi Charlie Brown, Hi Linus...
Linus: If we all had numbers instead of names, what number do you think you'd like to have?
CB: How about 3.1416?
Linus: I don't know... I have a feeling that every Tom, Dick and Harry would be called 3.1416!
Frieda: You know what I think? I think you would have made a good cat!
Snoopy: Not me, I could never eat a cold mouse on a foggy morning.
(CB gets nailed during a ball game and lies dazed on the pitcher's mound.)
Patty: What happened?
Linus: Charlie Brown got hit with a line drive!
Patty: Does anyone here know anything about first aid?
Lucy: It's probably not serious. Second or third aid will do.
Linus: Here, run over to the drinking fountain and soak this handkerchief with cold water.
Lucy: You're kidding! With a head like Charlie Brown's you'll need a bed sheet!
CB: I'm dying and all I hear is insults!
Violet: Did you know that your name is in the New Testament, Linus?
Linus: Yes. In Second Timothy, the fourth chapter and the twenty first verse, "Do your best to come before winter. Eubulus sends greetings to you, as do Pudens and Linus and Claudia and all the brethren."
Violet: You drive me crazy!
Lucy: I'm on a new campaign to be nice to people. (She sees Snoopy.) While I'm at it I suppose I might as well include dogs. (pat pat pat.) Here's a nice pat on the head.
Linus: You're so crabby all the time you've forgotten how to smile!
Lucy: Who's forgotten how to smile?
Linus: You have! LEt's see you smile! I'll bet you can't! (Lucy tries to smile.) There! See? A smile goes up, not down! You've forgotten how to smile! See? (He leaves.)
Lucy: How humiliating!
CB: No! No! No! That's not right! If you're going to learn to count, Sally, you're going to have to pay attention. Here's a picture with some boats in it. Now tell me how many boats you see.
Sally: All of them!
Linus: If you have some problem in your life, do you believe you should try to solve it right away or think about it for awhile?
CB: Oh, think about it, by all means! I believe you should think about it for awhile.
Linus: To give yourself time to do the right thing about the problem?
CB: No, to give it time to go away!
(Linus and Lucy are under an umbrella. It looks like they've been there awhile.)
Lucy: You think this is a lot of rain? Rachel Carson says when the oceans were being formed, it rained day and night for centuries.
Linus: It must have been very difficult to plan picnics!
Lucy: You can't drift along forever... you have to direct your thinking. For instance you have to decide whether you're going to be a liberal or a conservative. You have to take some sort of stand. You have to associate with some sort of cause.
Linus: Are there any openings in the lunatic fringe?
Lucy: This is our last game of the season. Let's win it!
CB: Okay. Get out there and play your best.
Lucy: You always have to say something sarcastic, don't you?
Linus: I've told you a million times that adults are different! You have to be able to read them. You know what your trouble is? You just have to understand the adult mind. I can predict what the average adult will say or do in almost any given situation. This is a must if you are going to survive as a child! Now take grandma for instance... I can predict exactly what she will say in the following situation. You draw a picture and I'll draw a picture. Then you take the two pictures in and show them to grandma. Ask her which picture she thinks is the better... I predict that she will look at them and say "Why, I think they're both very nice."
[Needless to say, this prediction comes true exactly. In another strip, Linus makes another accurate prediction "If you go up to an adult and say "How come we have a mother's day and a father's day, but we don't have a children's day?" that adult will always answer "Every day is children's day!"]
(CB is running.)
Violet: It's no use running! I'll get you! I'll get you Charlie Brown! I'll get you! I'll knock your block off ! I'll ...
CB: (stops) Wait a minute! Hold everything! We can't carry on like this! We have no right to act this way! The world is filled with problems. People hurting other people. People not understanding other people. Now if we, as children, can't solve what are relatively minor problems, how can you expect...
Violet: I had to hit him quick... he was beginning to make sense!
Linus: Ow! I got a sliver!
Lucy: What's the matter with you?
Linus: I have a sliver in my finger.
Lucy: Ah ha! That means you're being punished for something! What have you dont wrong lately?
Linus: I haven't done anything wrong!
Lucy: You have a sliver, haven't you? That's a misfortune, isn't it? Your being punished with misfortune because you've been bad!
CB: Now wait a minute, does...
Lucy: What do you know about it, Charlie Brown? This is a sign! This is a direct of punishment! Linus has done something very wrong and now he has to suffer misfortune! I know all about these things! I know that a...
Linus: It's out! It popped right out! (Lucy leaves, pissed.) Thus endeth the theological lesson for today!
CB: I'll tell you why English teachers go to college for four years. So they can make stupid little kids write stupid essarys on what they did all stupid summer!
CB: What's this about Miss Othmar coming back?
Linus: She is, Charlie Brown! She's coming back to our school to teach again!
CB: I thought her name was Mrs Hagemeyer now.
Linus: No, that's just her married name. In reali life she's Miss Othmar!
Linus: You're always crabby! You're crabby in the morning. You're crabby at noon and you're crabby at night!
Lucy: Can I help it if I have crabby genes?
Linus: I can swim! I can swim!
CB: I just learned how to swim! I can swim four feet!
Linus: Well, I'm glad to hear that Linus. Congratulations.
Linus: Yes sir, if I'm ever aboard an ocean liners and it sinks four feet from shore, I won't have a thing to worry about!
Lucy: Look at this way Charlie Brown. These are your bitter days. These are your days of hardship and struggle. But if you'll just hold your head up high and keep on fighting someday you'll triumph!
CB: Gee, do you really think so Lucy?
Lucy: Frankly, no!
Lucy: Each generation must be able to blame the previous generation for its problems. It doesn't solve anything, but it makes us all feel better.
CB: Poor Sally is so nervous that if someone mentioned kindergarten, I bet she'd jump thirty feet in the air.
Lucy: Kindergarten! (Looks up with CB) Only ten feet! I knew you were exaggerating.
Schroder: Charlie Brown, let me give you a little advice. As long as you think only of yourself, you'll never find happiness. You've got to start thinking about others!
CB: Others? What others? Who in the world am I supposed to think about?
CB: Oh good grief!
CB: What if everyone was like you? What if we all ran away from our problems? Huh? What then? What if everyone in the whole world suddenly decided to run away from his problems?
Linus: Well, at least we'll all be running in the same direction!
Linus: You know what you and Snoopy should do? You should go to an obedience school!
Snoopy: Why should we go to an obedience school? He already does everything I want him to!
CB: Did your dad take you to many ball games this year?
Linus: Oh yes, we went to quite a few. I think he likes having a son to take to the ball games. I'm sort of a built-in friend!
CB: It says here that the force of gravitation is 13% less than it was 14.5 billion years ago.
Lucy: Whose fault is that?
CB: Fault? It's nobody's fault!
Lucy: What do you mean nobody's fault! It has to be somebody's fault! Somebody's got to take the blame! Find a scapegoat!
Frieda: It's a nice day. If I were a dog, I'd be out chasing rabbits on such a nice day...
Snoopy: If it's such a nice day, why spoil it for the rabbits?
Linus: I don't like to face problems head on. I think the best way to solve problems is to avoid them. This is a distinct philosophy of mine. No problem can be so complicated that it can't be run away from!
CB: What's this? That little red haired girl dropped her pencil. Gee, it's got teeth marks all over it. She nibbles on her pencil. [A beatific smile crosses his face.] She's human!
Lucy: Do you think my eyes are beautiful Charlie Brown?
CB: Yes, they look just like little round dots of india ink!
Snoopy: My dad used to run with the hounds but his sympathies were elsewhere. He used to run on ahead and warn the rabbits!
Lucy: There are sixteen ozzes in a lib. [sic, sic.]
Sally: Happiness is having your own library card!
Lucy: Our generation has been given the works. All of the world's problems are being shoved at us.
Linus: What do you think we should do?
Lucy: Stick the next generation!
(Linus is away at camp.)
CB: What's that?
Lucy: It looks like something from Linus. It is! He sent me a little birch cark canoe from camp! HE said he made it himself. Sometimes I think I don't deserve a nice brother like Linus.
CB: I have often thought the same thing.
Lucy: (writing) Dear Linus, Please send me another canoe. The first one broke when I threw it at Charlie Brown.
CB: (writing) Dear Pencil-pal, did you have a nice summer? Mine could have been better, but it could have been worse. For me, that's good.
Linus: Some dogs are fun to play with. Some dogs chase sticks when you throw them. Some dogs sticks and then bring them back.
Snoopy: Some dogs are pretty dumb!
Linus: You won't do it, hun?
Snoopy: Nope! I want people to have more to say about me after I'm gone than "He was a nice guy. He chased sticks!"
CB: Well, if they're going to beat us, they're really going to have to try! [One play later.] I hate it when they try!
Lucy: Comb your hair, it looks like a rat's nest!
Linus: Rats have to have a place to live too, you know!
Lucy: Did you ever stop to think what a drab world this would be without the sound of children's voices?
Schroder: I can think of a few we could do without.
Lucy: Someday I'm going to break all the legs on his piano!
Linus: Look Charlie Brown, you have fears and you have frustrations, am I right? Of course I'm right! So waht you need is a blanket like this to soak up those fears and frustrations!
CB: I don't know. I think most of life's problems are too complicated to be solved with a spiritual blotter!
Lucy: Look at those stupid bugs! They don't have the slightest idea as to what is going on in this world.
CB: What is going on in this world?
Lucy: I don't have the slightest idea!
Linus: I think you should stop sayhing 'nyaah nyaah nyaah' to Charlie Brown. Those 'nyaah's can hurt!
Sally: Oh, don't be ridiculous!
Linus: Well, they do hurt! Those 'nyaah's can get down in your stomach and really hurt!
Sally: You're crazy! A few 'nyaah's can't hurt anybody!
Linus: They can if they become infected!
Linus: We had a good time at school today. Our teacher took us on a field trip. We went out and we saw this great big field. It was a real field, and we saw it! We stood right there are we saw that field! [Note: the look on Linus' face does not indicate sarcasm.]
CB: Do you think you'll be going on any more field trips?
Linus: I doubt it. When you've seen one field, you've seen them all.
Snoopy: When all you have to count are the hours to suppertime, it doesn't matter whether you use 'old math' or 'new math'!
Frieda: What's the use of naturally curly hair if no-one's jealous?
Lucy: This is a hard world to get along in. I feel sorry for all the new little babies.
Linus: But they keep right on getting born. Do you realize that somewhere this very moment a child is being born?
Lucy: GOOD LUCK KID, WHEREVER YOU ARE!
Violet: Pig-Pen, you're an absolute disgrace! All that dirt and dust... you could be a germ carrier. Did you ever stop to think of that?
Pig-Pen: So what if I am? Even germs get tired of walking now and then!
[Linus has just read something interesting and goes to tell Lucy about it.]
Linus: When Juliet asks 'O Romeo, Romeo, whereforth art thou Romeo', she is not wondering where he is. Rather she is commenting on the fact of his being named Romeo!
Lucy: Now that I know that, what do I do?
CB: Well Snoopy, what are your plans for today?
Snoopy: Plans? I hadn't even thought about it. But I suppose I'll sleep a little this morning. Then this afternoon I'll take a short nap and later on I'll try to get some more sleep. Those are good plans!
[Lots of snow about.]
Snoopy: The only way to beat the cold weather is to hibernate. I will now settle down in my den and not come out until... suppertime.
Schroder: Buying records cheers me up. Whenever I feel low I buy some new records. I was so depressed today I bought Mendelssohn's violin concerto and Handel's Ode for St Cecilia's Day.
Lucy: Wow! How depressed can you get!
[Lucy makes Linus some toast.]
Linus: You gonna make some toast? How about putting in a slice for me?
Lucy: Here you are.
Linus: Thank you very much. Hey! This is too light! It's hardly singed! Surely you don't expect me to eat raw toast!
Lucy: So you forgot Beethoven's birthday? What difference does it make? Who really cares? It's all so stupid! You take these things too seriously Schroeder. Now if it had been MY birthday you had forgotten...
Schroeder: Oh, good grief!
Lucy: Merry Christmas you blockhead!
[Lucy and Linus argue. Linus goes out and builds a snowman that looks like Lucy.]
Lucy: Ha! I see what you're up to. That's supposed to be me, isn't it? And I'll bet you're going to kick it, aren't you? ...
Linus: On the contrary, that would be crude. I'm going to stand here and watch it slowly melt away!
Linus: (writing) Dear Santa Claus, how have you been? Please don't get the idea that I am writing because I want something. Nothing could be further from the truth. I want nothing. If you want to skip our house, go right ahead. I won't be offended. Really I won't. Spend your time elsewhere. I really mean it.
Lucy: WHAT IN THE WORLD KIND OF LETTER IS THIS?
Linus: I'm hoping that he'll find my attitude particularly refreshing.
[Lucy has being going around getting people to sign a document absolving her from all blame.]
Lucy: Just sign it... that's right... thank you. No matter what happens any place or any time in the world, this absolves me from all blame!
CB: That must be a nice document to have.
CB: School starts Monday.
Sally: Not for me!
CB: What do you mean, not for you?
Sally: I went last year!
Linus: I can't go out to play after school for a whole week, Charlie Brown. My dad says my report card was so poor I have to stay in.
CB: Oh, what are you doing, studying?
Linus: No, watching TV!
Lucy: Everywhere you go you seem to run into phonies! The people you think are sincere usually turn out not to be, and the people you think aren't sincere usually turn out to be sincere! The question is, how do you tell the phonies from the realies?
Lucy: What are you grinning about?
Linus: I'm not grinning. This is my disarming smile. (Lucy gives him a look. He stops smiling. She leaves him.) A disarming smile doesn't have a chance against my total-warfare frown!
Linus: It's fair weather today Charlie Brown.
CB: So where are all my friends?
Lucy: I'm worried about a little boy who sits in front of me at school. He cries every day. This afternoon I tried to help him. I whacked him one on the arm... There's nothing like a little physical pain to take your mind off emotional problems.
Linus: Why is it that as soon as a person states his ambition, everyone tries to discourate him? Why couldn't I be a polled Hereford rancher?
Lucy: Because you're stupid, that's why!
Linus: Besides that, I mean!
Linus: Can't you see me as king of the Hereford ranchers Lucy?
Lucy: Oh, I can see you all right. I can see you riding out on your beautiful Palomino checking the herd. There you sit, silhouetted against the evening sky, sucking your thumb and holding that stupid blanket!
Linus: (writing) Dear Great Pumpkin, I am looking forward to your arrival on Halloween night. I hope you will bring me lots of presents. Everyone tells me you are a fake, but I believe in you. Sincerely, Linus van Pelt. PS - if you really are a fake, don't tell me. I don't want to know.
Linus: Life is peculiar. Wouldn't you like to have your life to live over if you knew what you know now?
Sally: What do I know now?
Sally: I worry about getting old... who wants to be nine?
Lucy: Why do you think we're put here on earth Charlie Brown?
CB: To make others happy.
Lucy: I don't think I'M making anyone very happy. Of course nobody's making ME very happy either. SOMEBODY'S NOT DOING HIS JOB!
Lucy: I'm intrigued by this view you have on the purpose of life, Charlie Brown. You say we're put on this earth to make others happy? ... What are the others put here for?
Lucy: Have you ever seen an X-ray of a hiccup?
Snoopy: I'm lost without my contact lenses!
Linus: Winning isn't everything, Charlie Brown!
CB: Yes, but losing isn't anything!
[Linus checks in at Lucy's "Psychiatric Help 5 cents" stand.]
Linus: I have a problem, but I'm not sure you can help me. Wouldn't it be difficult for you to treat someone in your own family?
Lucy: Nonsense! I have learnt to be completely objective... now you just sit right there arent tell me what your trouble is...
Linus: Well most of the time I'm a pretty happy person... my only problem is this sister of mine who...
[Lucy stands on her seat behind the stand, reaches out, and slugs Linus.]
[More clinical stories]
Lucy: Physicians can learn a lot about a patient by asking what may even sound like a very simple question... which do you prefer, a sunrise or a sunset?
CB: Well, a sunset, I guess!
Lucy: I thought so! You're just the type ! I might have have known that! What a disappointment! People who prefer sunsets are dreamers! THey always give up! They always look back instead of forward! I just might have known you weren't a sunrise person! Sunrisers are go-getters! They have ambition and drive! Give me a person who likes a sunrise every time! Yes, sir! I'm sorry Charlie Brown. If you prefer sunsets to sunrises, I can't take your case. You're hopeless! (She leaves.)
CB: Actually, I've always sort of preferred noon!
[Linus has been yelled at all day by Lucy for being too noisy.]
Lucy: What are you doing now?
Linus: Making myself a bread and butter sandwich. Am I buttering too loud for you?
[Note: Schulz said last statement was the only strip he ever too out of the mouths of one of his kids.]
Lucy: (on Schroeder's piano) I see Beethoven's birthday comes on a Sunday this year. Last year his birthday came on a Saturday. Next year his birthday comes on a Monday. Boy, talk about a weird guy!
Linus: I guess I talk too much. My mom is mad at me, my grandma is mad at me, everyone is mad at me. Yesterday my grandma drank 32 cups of coffee. I shouldn't have said anything. I suggested that perhaps her drinking 32 cups of coffee was not unlike my need for a security blanket. She didn't like the comparison.
Lucy: I think you should work hard to improve your character Charlie Brown. Once a child gets to be five years old, his character is pretty well established.
CB: But I'm already five years old! I'm more than five!
Lucy: That's right, you are, aren't you? Too bad, that's the way it goes!
Linus: (looking at his thumb) Some days I taste like an inferior brand!
Lucy: No one wants to turn my jump rope for me. They all say I'm too crabby. They say I complain too much. They say I complain when they turn it too fast and they say I complain when they turn it too slow. No one understands us crabby people!
Lucy: Do you think I'm a crabby person?
CB: Yes, I think you're a very crabby person.
Lucy: WELL WHO CARES WHAT YOU THINK?
Violet: What are you reading?
CB: This is an adaptation of Sherlock Holmes.
Violet: An adaptation?
CB: Yes, it's been adapted for children. It's not unlike drunking diluted root beer!
Lucy: What are you going to get me for Beethoven's birthday, Charlie Brown?
CB: I'm not going to get you anything! I wouldn't get you something for Beethoven's birthday if you were the last girl on earth!
Lucy: What have you got against Beethoven?
Lucy: Beethoven's birthday is December 16th Shermy. Have you decided what you're going to get me?
Shermy: Yes! I'm not going to get you anything!
Lucy: What kind of a holiday is it where you don't give girls presents?
Lucy: You know why your doghouse burned down? Because you SINNED, that's why! You're being punished for something you did wrong! That's the way these things always work!
Snoopy: BLEAH! (gets rid of Lucy) Her kind deserves to be bleahed!
Lucy: Adversity builds character. Without adversity a person could never mature and face up to all of the things in life!
CB: What things?
Lucy: More adversity!
Linus: Help! A queen snake! A queen snake!
Lucy: That's not a queen snake, that's just an old tree branch.
Linus: Well I'll be! So it is! (to branch) I suppose you think you're smart pretending you're a queen snake!
Patty: You're just as greedy as everyone else, Charlie Brown! Dón't come around here with our lectures and your moaning and groaning about everybody being greedy! You're no different from the rest of us!
CB: I am too! I FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT!
CB: Ah, there's the bell! One more lunch hour out of the way. Two thousand, one hundred and twenty to go!
Linus: This is the big day! Nine hundred and ninety nine days! One to go - this is it! (walks over to the TV set.) Lucy, may I read your new comic book?
Lucy: No you can't ! And stop bothering me!
Linus: You did it! You did it! My heartiest congratulations! You did it!
Linus: You have been CRABBY for one thousand days in a row! You have just set an all-time record! I knew you could do it! See? I've been keeping track on this calendar since Tuesday, December 8th 1959! Remember that day? You threw an apple core at me! Since then you have gone one thousand fays without failing once to be crabby! Let me shake your hand again! I'd also like to present you with this specially inscribed scroll commemorating this historical event. (Lucy takes it.) Again, may I say "Congratulations!" You are an inspiration to all crabby people in this world! (He leaves.)
Lucy: One rarely gets a chance to see such carefully prepared sarcasm!
['Tis winter. Lucy walks by Linus, who is trying to look innocent.]
Lucy: If you hit me with that snowball, you're going to be sorry! (She walks on. And gets hit.)
Linus: Oh I'm sorry! You're right - I'm very sorry! I hit my own sister with a snowball and now I'm really sorry - I'm so sorry! You were really right! How did you know I'd be so sorry? I'm really sorry! (He gets slogged.) How sorry can you get?
CB: What can you do when you don't fit in? What can you do when life seems to be passing you by?
Lucy: Follow me. I want to show you something. (They get to the top of a hill.) See the horizon over there? See how big this world is? See how much room there is for everybody? Have you ever seen any other worlds?
Lucy: As far as you know, this is the only world there is, right?
Lucy: There are no other worlds for you to live in, right?
Lucy: You were born to live in this world, right?
Lucy: WELL LIVE IN IT THEN! Five cents please.
Lucy: You think I talk too much. Don't you?
Lucy: All right, Charlie Brown. I've had enough of your insults. Put 'em up! C'mon! We're going to have this out right here and now! Put 'em up!
CB: Good grief! (He shuts his eyes and sticks an arm out. It taps Lucy's nose.)
Lucy: He hit me! He hit me! He hit me on the nose! He damaged my great beauty!
CB: I hit a girl! That's terrible! What an awful thing to do! I've never felt so guilty in all my life! (He walks to Lucy's Psychiatry stand.) And so I hit this girl, se, and now I feel terribly guilty, and I... (Lucy slugs him from behind the stand.) I don't feel guilty any more! Psychiatry has cured me!
Violet and Shermy: You're weak! You're a real jellyfish! You're dumb, you're stupid, you're ignorant and you have a silly face! (They leave.)
Schroder: Poor Charlie Brown, I see the cats have been using you to sharpen their claws again, huh?
CB: Yeah, I'm sort of a spiritual scratching post!
Snoopy: I hate it when it snows on my french toast!
Linus: I hear you're having trouble with reading in school, Charlie Brown.
CB: Yes, I've been wondering if I need glasses.
Linus: I doubt it. My ophthamologist said that the cause of slow reading is seldom ocular. You probably have mixed brain dominance.
CB: That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me!
Linus: ... A person is right handed because the left side of his brain is dominant. Now if you are ambidextrous or if you have been forced to write with the wrong hand, this may produce mixed brain dominance. If this is true, we can rule out poor vision as the cause of your slow reading.
Lucy: Have you ruled out stupidity?
Snoopy: My life has no purpose. My life has no direction, no aim, no meaning. And yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out! What am I doing right?
Linus: You can't yell at me like that!
Lucy: Oh? I'll yell at you WHEN I feel like it, WHERE I feel like it, HOW I feel like it, WHY I feel like it and as OFTEN as I feel like it! (She stomps off.)
Linus: Her yelling is very thorough.
Linus: You know what Snoopy? I don't understand people. No matter how hard I try, I just don't understand them!
Snoopy: I konw how he feels. I gave up trying to understand people long ago. Now I just let them try to understand me!
Linus: What would you say you want most out of life, Charlie Brown? To be happy?
CB: Oh, no. I don't expect that. I really don't. I just don't want to be unhappy!
CB: I've developed a new philosophy. I only dread one day at a time!
CB: Why did you write 'Charlie Brown is a blockhead' on the sidewalk?
Linus: Because I sincerely believe you ARE a blockhead! I have to write down what I believe is true - it's my moral responsibility!
CB: Deep down I admire her moral integrity!
Snoopy: So this is the last day of the year. Another complete year gone by and what have I accomplished this year that I haven't accomplished every other year? Nothing! (He smiles.) How consistent can you get?
CB: Why should I play checkers with someone who's beaten me eight thousand times in a row?
Lucy: Well, I'm trying to make it an even ten thousand.
Lucy: I hate playing with a poor loser, but I can't stand playing with a good loser!
PPaddy: Hi Chuck. Marcie and Patricia here. It's a new year and we want you to decide which of us you like best.
PPaddy: Yes, you'd better...
CB: If it's a tie, do we go into overtime?
[CB is reading to Snoopy.]
CB: "She fled quickly down the stairs and out the front door. Suddenly, she stopped. She knew she had forgotten something."
Snoopy: Probably forgot to feed the dog.
Sally: That was so exciting I never want to do it again.
Marcie: I think the teacher is mad at you for not doing your homework. She says she may have to resort to castigation.
Paddy: They can't do something to you if you don't know what it means.
Linus: You're not the only one. I can be crabby too, you know.
Lucy: Okay, go ahead. (Linus is silent.) See? It isn't that easy, is it?
Snoopy: Did you know that birds navigate by the stars? You should try it. Fix your eyes on that star, and then follow it. (Woodstock does, and falls off the kennel roof.) But watch where you're going.
CB: I read where someone said "If a man has the love of a dog, he is already a millionaire."
Snoopy: And that'll buy a lot of cookies.
Paddy: This is my report on 'A tale of two cities' by Charles Dickens. St Paul and Minneapolis are...
Marcie : One of the great tries of all time, sir.
Sally: Here, Sweet Babboo, I brought you a valentine.
Linus: I'm not your Sweet Babboo!
Sally: Well, take it anyway, you blockhead! (Linus, now on more familiar territory, takes it.) I love Valentine's day - it's so romantic.
Snoopy: (typing) "If you really loved më," she said, "you'd buy me a dog." So he bought her a dog. It was not too long before the dog wished he had never become involved.
Lucy: All right, if you're going to be here a few days, I should know your feeding schedule. I wonder if you prefer eating in the morning, at noon or at night.
Lucy: ..In our house we don't allow dogs to beg at the table!
Snoopy: I'm not begging. I was just sitting here and happened to be facing your way.
CB: Snoopy! I'm home! I promise I'll never leave you again!
Snoopy: Did you bring any cookies?
[Hence the term puppy love.]
Sally: Sorry to wake you up Big Brother, but I've been thinking. I have begun to doubt the existence of the tooth fairy. Is it wrong to lie awake at night thinking about such things?
CB: Only if you expect an answer.
Sally: I'll go ask your dog.
Lucy: What else does that article say?
Linus: It says 'Girls outperform boys in verbal skills.'
Lucy: I told you so, you blockhead!
Lucy: I'm not sure I'd ever want to own a dog.
CB: Well, a person doesn't really 'own' a dog.
Snoopy: You just make him feel obligated to stick around.
Linus: Alright, you stupid beagle, I want that blanket back! And I don't mean next month or next week or tomorrow - I want it back today!
Snoopy: What time today?
Linus: Okay, here's the deal. You give me the blanket and I give you the cookie.
Snoopy: Place the cookie on the floor and step back ten paces!
Sally: I hate to tell you, but it's time for school.
CB: (in bed) If you hate to tell me, why do you tell me?
Sally: Because I really like to tell you.
['Tis the first day of the baseball season.]
CB: "For lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone. The voice of the turtledove is heard in our land."
Lucy: HURRY UP AND PITCH, YOU BLOCKHEAD!
CB: I don't think that was a turtledove.
[Snoopy is about to go cartoning down a hill with Linus. Cartoning is the summer equivalent of tobogganning.]
Snoopy: Here's the World War I flying ace acting as an observer in a two-seater. (And they're off!... ouch.) I have observed that I don't think I want to do that again.
Snoopy: (typing) Tears formed in his eyes as he read her letter of farewell. "We will always have our memories," she wrote. Suddenly he realized it was a form letter.
Sally: Look at this! I got an A on the history test!
CB: Good for you.
Linus: That calls for a celebration!
Snoopy: Break out the cookies!
[Snoopy the Blogger]
Lucy: Have you ever thought about writing sort of a memoir? You know, putting down things you remember about the past.
Snoopy: (typing) This is what I remember about last week.
Lucy: I think this is the best story you've ever written. Which really doesn't mean anything because your other stories were so dumb.
Snoopy: I love a good compliment.
Paddy: That was a hard test Marcie. I didn't know if it was an essay test, True or False, or multiple choice. I just put down "Not Guilty".
CB: Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask "What is the meaning of life?" Then a voice comes to me that says "I before E except after C!"
CB: Let's go to the doughnut shop.
Snoopy: What a coincidence! I knew I heard a doughnut calling me.
CB: I hope the shop isn't closed.
Snoopy: Doughnuts never call from behind locked doors.
Sally: What do you do when you feel that life is treating you unfairly?
Snoopy: Learn to bake your own cookies.
Lucy: Strike this guy out, cement head! You can do it, you mud head!
CB: Which team are you yelling for?
Lucy: I don't know - which team am I on?
Snoopy: (on golf) The more I play this game the better I like it. But I still hate it!
CB: Well, it's sort of a white lie.
Cormac: Lies come in colors?
Linus: I'll throw the ball, see? THen you go bounding after it and bring it back!
Snoopy: Maybe we should think about this a little more.
Linus: Okay, chase the ball, bring it back and I'll give you a cookie.
Snoopy: (starts to chase, realizes something, and returns.) What kind of cookie?
Snoopy: (typing) Why Dogs are the Most Superior of All Creatures on Land, Sea and Sky and Maybe Space.
Lucy: I think your title is a bit long.
Snoopy: I'll take out the 'Maybe'.
Linus: I start to feel lonely, then I get scared.
CB: I thought holding onto that blanket made you secure.
Linus: I think the warranty has run out.
[The World War I flying ace has been shot down.]
Snoopy: There it is! The Essex farm dressing station! Ah! A beautiful nurse approaches.
Marcie: Tripped over your supper dish again, I see.
CB: Well, I appreciate the help you've given me. I was wondering though, if I should get a second opinion.
Lucy: Only if you don't mind my beating you over the head with that stool you're sitting on.
CB: I guess first opinions are pretty good.
[Lucy is in outfield.]
Lucy: Just remember, I can take anything that life throws at me! (a ball lands on her head.) That was a hit, not a throw!
[CB is behind a tree.]
CB: Real love is standing behind a tree so you can see her when she leaves her house. Of course it can sometimes be embarassing. Like when you discover you've been standing on the wrong side of the tree.
CB: Do they give you homework at obedience school?
Snoopy: We have homework every night. It's hard to write a thousand word theme on 'sit'!
Linus: I hear you've been to obedience school again every morning. There's an old saying "Fear keeps men in obedience".
Snoopy: That and the supper dish.
CB: It says here that we live in one of the best towns in the country.
Sally: I always knew that. What town are we in?
Cormac: Hi! My name is Cormac. I met your brother at camp this summer.
Cormac: So I just thought I'd introduce myself.
Sally: I don't need anyone else. I already have my Sweet Babboo.
Linus: I'm not your Sweet Babboo!
Sally: He is, but he thinks he isn't.
CB: There must be millions of people all over the world who never get any love letters. I could be their leader.
Paddy: Yes, maam, I walked to school in the rain. But don't worry maam. I think I'm pre-shrunk!
[One word: golf.]
CB: That was close - you almost hit that duck.
Snoopy: I know. I should have yelled "quack!"
Linus: I think you were born crabby, you're crabby now and you'll be crabby for the rest of your life.
Lucy: For the rest of my life?
Linus: For the rest of your life.
Lucy: That's a relief.
Sally: I hate field trips. I'm always sure something bad is going to happen.
Linus: Psalm 121: verse 6. "The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night."
Sally: Somehow I've never worried much about the moon.
Lucy: Rerun, I head you're getting pretty good with your numbers. Let's have a little test. Tell me what you see. [She holds out three fingers.]
Lucy: Okay Rerun, let's work on our counting again. Now, how many fingers do you see? [She holds out four fingers.]
Rerun: All but the thumb.
Paddy: Ma'am? Is there anything I can do to earn a little extra credit? Shovel your walk?
Paddy: Hey, Marcie, y'got any extra Christmas cards? I forgot to buy some. [She gets cards.] And how about some stamps? I'll need some stamps too. [She gets some. Then she gives a card back to Marcie.] Here, keep this one. Then I won't have to send it to you.
Marcie: It's good to see you filled with the holiday spirit, sir.
Paddy: 'Tis the season to be sarcastic.
CB: I just remembered. Aren't we supposed to leave something under the Christmas tree for Santa Claus?
Sally: How about this frozen broccoli?