An April 2003 Straight Dope discussion was centered around the current whereabouts of the Iraqi Information Minister, Mohammed al-Sahaf. One poster, jinty, made up the following scenario based on counter-reports that MaS hadn't kamikazed but instead was in hiding (from Iraqis rather than from Americans) in an aunt's house in Baghdad. The last line was added by someone else.
Aunt: You haven't finished your couscous, Mohammed.
Al-Sahaf: The couscous has been completely annihilated. There is absolutely no couscous left on the plate. With my right hand I smote the
couscous until it begged for mercy.
Aunt: Nonsense. You've hardly touched it.
Al-Sahaf: This is a complete fabrication. My belly swells like a minaret with the vast amount of couscous I have consumed. By the prophet, I
swear it is true.
Aunt: Don't be silly. Here, have some dates. They're delicious.
Al-Sahaf: These dates will be smashed to pieces on the courageous molars of Al-Sahaf. They will rue the day they lay drying in the sun. I can
assure you that these gangster dried fruits will throw their shoes away in anguish, when they realise that they are surrounded by our
victorious teeth.
Aunt: The dates are still on your plate, Mohammed.
Nothing but nothing fazes Mohammed-al-Gordon, the man now responsible for putting a favourable gloss on dismal news from the economy. The response to downbeat forecasts from the International Monetary Fund and the Organisation for Economic Cooperation and Development? They will commit suicide on their spreadsheets. The prospect of a collapse in the housing market? I triple guarantee you there is no negative equity in London.
To some, last Friday's news that the economy grew by a paltry 0.2% in the first quarter of the year might have been the equivalent of US tanks trundling on to the tarmac at Baghdad airfield. But you've got to look on the bright side. The worse things are now, the more scope there is for the economy to pick up later. Or, as Mr Saeed-al-Sahaf so eloquently put it: "The American troops have advanced further. This will only make it easier to defeat them."
Now in his early 60s, Sahaf was studying to be an English teacher in 1963 when he joined a group led by Saddam that targeted opponents of the then underground Ba'ath party. In 1968, when the Ba'ath party took power, he was charged with securing the radio and television stations and was later put in charge of both outlets. Iraqis recall his bad temper and habit of meting out physical punishment to employees.Later he served as Iraq's ambassador to India, Italy and the United Nations, foreign minister from 1993 to 2001, and has been information minister since then.
We salute you, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, and your florid, somewhat mendacious rhetoric. You have provided light relief to the otherwise ghastly business of war. You have a range of careers wide open to you. You could manage the English cricket team, where your optimistic approach would work wonders for morale. You could do standup comedy: as we saw yesterday when you failed to turn up, your flair for timing is impeccable. Your gift for language is remarkable. If Jeffrey Archer can write bestsellers, then the world is your oyster.
