A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him... "Lets see yer fishin' license, Boy!!" the Warden gasped. With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young feller, "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Humorist was once asked where he would like to be at the end of the world. He replied "India! of course. Everything takes place a 100 years later here!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What is the difference between Microsoft and Jurassic Park ? One is a theme park run by Dinasaurs while the other is a good movie. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In USA, the latest Lie detector was recently invented. So an american, russian and a sardar went to test this. The American said "I can eat 20 Hamburgers at a stretch." The machine beeped. He said "I can eat 7". The machine kept quiet. The Russian said "I can drink 18 bottles of Vodka". The machine beeped. He said "I can drink 5". The machine kept quiet. The sardar said "I think " and the machine beeped. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two girls board a crowded bus and one of them whispers to the other, "Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat." Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all of her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily. "My dear Mr. Wilson", she gushed, "fancy meeting you here on the bus. Am I glad to see you! Why you're almost a stranger. My, but I'm tired!" The sedate gent looked up at the girl. He had never seen her before but he rose and said pleasantly, "Sit down, Mary, my girl. It isn't often I see you on washday. No wonder you're tired. Being pregnant isn't easy. By the way, don't deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife is going to the District Attorney's office to see whether or not she can get your husband out of jail." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer." Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But I did send them." "What?? You did???" "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ REMEMBERING OUR IRISH FRIENDS An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one." The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together. The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died." The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking." ------------------------ A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is." ----------------------------- Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses: 1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?" 2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?" 3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?" 4. "Were you alone or by yourself?" 5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?" 6. "Did he kill you?" 7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?" 8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?" 9. "How many times have you committed suicide?" 11. Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes." Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there any girls?" 12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?" 13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir." Q: "And you took your new wife?" 14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?" 15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a male, or a female?" 16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work." 17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people." 18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" A: "Oral." 19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy." 20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?" A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel." 22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere." Interesting Coincidences: Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head. Here is an interesting one... Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners. Both successors were named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939. Both assassins were know by their three names. Both names compromise fifteen letters. Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater. To cap it all off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. ________________________________________________________________________ Some great viruses: Ronald Reagan Virus saves your data, but forgets where it's stored AT&T Virus Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. MCI Virus Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus Politically Correct Virus Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism." Ross Perot Virus Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back Government Economist Virus Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine Federal Bureaucrat Virus Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer Congressional Virus #1 The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem Congressional Virus #2 Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything Airline Virus You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore ________________________________________________________________________ A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?" On the way home from church a little boy asked his mother, "Is it true, as the Bible says, that we come from dust?" "Yes," she said, "that's right." "And do we go back to dust again when we die?" "Well, the outside of us does anyway." "Then in that case," the little boy said earnestly, "I think there's someone under my bed, but I'm not sure whether they're coming or going." From chhabra@eecs.umich.edu Thu Oct 21 17:09:45 1999 Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1999 17:59:45 -0400 (EDT) From: Madhusudan Singh To: Anilkumar Pranesachar , G. Murali Krishnan , Ameya Pitale , Sandipan Mohanty , S Viswanath Cc: grewalm@umich.edu My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well-known for her faith and lack of reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and say, "Praise the Lord!" Her next door neighbor would shout back, "There ain't no Lord!" During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door. The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said, "Praise the Lord!" The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, "I brought those groceries, and there ain't no Lord." Grandmother replied, "Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for it." ------------------------- A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule (jackass to the knowing) in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor. Now, the preacher knew the mayor, and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?" The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" ----------------------------------------------------------- One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?" The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!" --------------------------------------------------------------- One Friday afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window: "How can I help you?" "I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?" With a smile in his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes thereafter he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window: "What can I do for you?" "I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something to drink?" Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of coke of takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration he sees another guy on the side, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him. Not quite willing our guy decides to stop a last time, rolls his window down and yells to the guy: "So, you blue bastard of the asphalt, what you wanna have?" "Driver license and registration please." ------------------------------------------------------------- -- -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Madhusudan Singh Fellow Department of Electrical Engineering and Computer Science, University of Michigan Ann Arbor. Office: Residence: 2437 EECS Apt.#12C5 1301 Beal Avenue 1863 Lake Lila Drive Ann Arbor Ann Arbor MI 48109-2122 MI 48105-2134 (734)-763 6466 (734)-622 9328 Permanent IEEE alias : msc@ieee.org -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "The best way to get rid of your duties is to discharge them." -- Anonymous. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3 men, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Irishman, go in to a bar and they each order a drink. They all sit down at a table and 3 flies come along. One fly lands in each man's drink. The Englishman looks at the fly in his drink and says, "Oh dear, I can't drink that now!". The Scotsman looks at the fly takes it out and says, "Get outta there, you little bugger!" The Irishman looks at the fly and turns all red in the face. He picks up the fly, sets it on the rim of the glass and starts screaming, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!" Title: Bill Gates Author: Unknown Submitter: Jim Dash Joke: Bill Gates die and goes to the pearly gates.St. Peter tells him he is sending him to Hell for a day and to heaven for a day. He gets to decide which one he wants to stay in for eternity. First Bill goes to Hell and he ends up on a beach with beautiful woman and all the food you can eat, everything his heart desires. Next day he is sent to heaven. Just a bunch of boring people on clouds. St Peter brings him back and asks him where he wants to go Hell or Heaven? Bill say send me to Hell. When he gets there he is chaned and it is burning hot-You know, pretty much Hell. Bill yells up to st. Peter-What happened? The other day it was beatiful down here. St Peter yells back down. Oh Yes, That was the DEMO!! A man walks into the woman's section of a department store and tells the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife. "What type of bra?" asked the clerk "Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?" "There are three types." replies the clerk "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man ask "What is the difference in them?" The clerk responds "It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." - Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929. "OOPS!" - Irving Fisher, Ex-Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1930. Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface. After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here. Make it a good one." The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!" "Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer. "Great move, Einstein", said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. "Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat." If Noah had built his ark today and the Lord spoke to Noah, He would say: "Aloha Noah, Dude, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for the ark. "OK" Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man." "Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!" Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark. "Noah!," shouted the Lord, "where is My ark"? A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!," begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction project, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system. "My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board. "Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls. "Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind. "Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a supreme being. "Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe! "Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities Hispanics I'm supposed to hire. "The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years." With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?," he asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord, "the government already has." Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It's not the pace of life that concerns me; it's the sudden stop at the end. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~